Graphic, I know, but it was real.
I had been putting dishes away in the cupboard above our counter, upon which a large knife was sitting in a container, oh-so-not-conveniently pointing upwards. I finished up with the dishes above the counter and as I returned for more dishes my elbow collided with the sharpest knife in our Cutco collection and that was that.
I looked at the knife after the incident and was happy to find no blood on the blade, but rather a residue from the inside of my skin that reached just over half an inch deep on the knife. That sharp point had protruded half an inch into the soft spot of the back of my elbow, at the base of my upper arm. No wonder there were so many tears and constant repititions of "Ouch that really hurt, wow that hurt so bad, it's really hurting" - as if I needed to remind myself of the pain that I was already feeling.
I was home alone and quite frankly a bit scared to assess how bad the wound was, but as I started calming down my sisters returned home from school. Upon greeting me with cheery smiles and "How was your day?"s, they immediately noticed my tear-stained face and awkward elbow-holding position, and that was that. Before I could think, the oldest of the two, Ashleigh, had a cold, wet cloth on my lap for me to hold up to the wound to stop the bleeding, and had the disinfectant in hand, ready to apply. One of the sweetest, most special moments in my life was when Ashleigh turned to my crying face and quietly asked me, "Do you want to say a prayer?" recognizing that no matter what we did, Heavenly Father was the one we really wanted to be relying on for help here. Natalie was summoned and we all bowed our heads, Ashleigh praying for me to heal. It was a beautiful moment that I'm so grateful for. (By the way Ashleigh, I stand by what I said about you making a great nurse.)
Looking back, I realize that this experience could have been far worse than it was. But it was SUCH a painful experience. And not to mention frightening. I had no idea how deep the wound was, or even the details of what had happened. I wasn't even aware of how bad the bleeding was until I noticed that my hand was moist ("My tears can't have made it all the way to my hand..." and then seeing the red smears). It was unpleasant and something that I've never experienced before, and I hope I don't have to experience it again. No thank you.
My youngest sister, who is still primary school age at her school, made a very important connection yesterday. She said:
"Kathleen, that knife stabbed your elbow yesterday, and that really hurt. Just like sin hurts. Sin is a painful thing and it's not good for us."
Out of the mouth of babes.
What a powerful lesson that was to me, as simple as it was. Sin. hurts. It hurts SO much. It is a scary thing: sometimes we aren't even aware of the gravity of our sins until we begin exposing them to the light. And repentance - man, that is a hard journey that we all need to face at some point in our lives. We all sin. We all make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. And so we can all relate to the message that my sister shared with me yesterday: "Sin hurts. It is a painful thing and it's not good for us."
Sometimes we are fortunate enough to recognize the pain that sin causes and quickly retract. Disinfectant and medication are applied, sometimes stitches are necessary, and a bandaid is applied. We recognize the pain that the sin caused us and so we do all that we can to avoid further encounters that would cause us the same discomfort.
But sometimes sin comes as a "favourite addiction," or a "hard-to-forget pleasure" that we cannot seem to let go of. We let it go for a time but then it comes back again and we give in. Sin hurts the first time, second time, third.... but after a while we become desensitized to the pain. We forget that it not only hurts us, but it is also damaging to our spirit in the same way that reopening the wound from that steak knife yesterday would damage my body. When we heal the first time, we are left with a scar to remind us of what happened so we can do all we can to avoid the same thing happening again. That scar is one of the strongest places on our body.
Think about it.
When a wound is healing, the skin gradually forms a bond between the two sides of the cut or split to close the gash. This process involves the criss-crossing of many layers of skin which, when completed, will consequently be firmly attached and constructed. This is the goal throughout the repentance process, as well as the healing process after we injure ourselves. If we can come out of an injury or sin stronger, then we have done the right thing. The Lord promises us that He can make our weaknesses our strengths, but that takes some serious work on our part. It is no easy task, but the answer is simple: look to God, and never, EVER take your eyes off of Him.
However, if we were to keep reopening that wound and inflicting the same (or similar) injuries to it, especially before it has had a full chance to heal, we are only causing further damage to our bodies, and in the case of repentance, to our spirits. That is perhaps the very reason we are taught that as we repent we should remove ourselves from all situations in which temptation may occur for us to commit the same sin(s) as before. We are healing. We are vulnerable. Stronger than before, but still vulnerable. And it is so important for us to keep ourselves safe from that flaxen cord which binds us. How little does it take for us to be lead slowly down by the evil one. Don't fall for his tricks.
Whatever the case is, there is always somebody there who is willing to help us, just as Ashleigh was. Somebody who is willing to supply us with the tools we need to cleanse our wounds and begin the healing process. We cannot always do it on our own, especially with the bigger wounds. Your Bishop, trusted family and friends... they can all help us. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Turn to them for the help you need. They love you and want to see you heal.
Long story short, Heavenly Father loves you. He loves each and every one of us, and He wants us all to come home to Him. He does not expect us to be perfect in this life, but He does expect us to put in work. We would do so well to remember that He has not ever given us a commandment that is meant to restrict us or bind us down. Rather, He gives us laws and commandments to protect us and to offer us a freedom greater than any of the pleasure that momentary self-indulgences will cough up. Remember that sin hurts, it is a painful thing, and it is not good for us. But remember that God loves you so much and wants you back with Him. He is with you every step of the way:
Fear not, I am with thee,
Oh be not dismayed:
For I am thy God,
And will still give thee aid.
I'll comfort thee, help thee
and cause thee to stand.
Upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous
Omnipotent hand.
Love,
Kat
